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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.03.22 07:59l 256 Lines 7076 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27177_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 2/3
Path: ON0AR<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 220302/0651Z 27177@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Cold is the night when the stars shine bright
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.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
--
Needing to check the Lodge, I tried to drive there today. Sadly, the car wouldnâ€Öt start. Opened the bonnet and a bat flew out telling me I was good looking and intelligent. I had bat flattery!
---
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
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Confucius Did Not Say:
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen a lift) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat
old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and
don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
' So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'
asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her
panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen
any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
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Sexual :-
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an
elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun
in the West..
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink
and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me
some tips? he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your
leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got
any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease
over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.'
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in
your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub
I lost the sausage in.
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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