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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.03.22 08:10l 225 Lines 5221 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27377_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 7/3
Path: ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220307/0652Z 27377@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If the oak flowers before the ash we shall have a splash. If the ash
flowers before the oak we shall have a soak
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Thanks CT
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit
a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants
the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for
questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions: Why did
the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the
bell goes, and the kids go for lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more
questions so another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says, "I have
four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending
troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch? And
where is Sasha?"
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Mentally, picture a video of Dolly Parton having her COVID jab and
singing, "Vaccine, Vaccine, Vaccine, Vac C I NE !!"
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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Retiree Q-&-A
Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with a 109ercent discount.
Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A: Tied shoes.
Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.
Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work
and refuses to retire?
A: NUT-SO!
Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement attic or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do one of their adult kids will want to
Store stuff there.
Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.
Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A: If you cut classes no one calls your parents.
Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work but misses the people
He used to work with?
A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth those people were being paid
To be nice at work.
Performance Appraisals Revisited
--------------------------------
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ........Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE .................Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED .....Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ...........Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ................Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........Spouse drinks too
INDEPENDENT WORKER ...............Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING ...................Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ..................Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .......................Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS .....Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ........Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .........Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT .....Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR .............Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ....................Back Stabber
LOYAL ............................Can't get a job anywhere else
Cemetery
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An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local
Cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said"There lies a very honest
Man. He died owing me 50 dollars but he struggled to the end to pay off
His debt sand if anyone has gone to heaven he has."
They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave. The old man
Pointed to the gravestone and said "Now there's a different type of man
Altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay
Me back. If anyone has gone to hell he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said "You know Grandpa you
Are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"well whichever place you go to you'll have some money to draw on."
Sexual content -
Tickets
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An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in
her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and
says"Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your
driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little pulls out a candy wrapper
and hands it to him.
He looks it over gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again the same old man jumps
out of a room and says"Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over
the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little pulls out a store receipt and hands
it to him. He looks it over gives her another warning and sends her on
her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she
comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked
and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says"Oh no not the
Breathalyzer again."
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Best Wishes
Dave
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