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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 09.03.22 08:05l 316 Lines 10486 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27451_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 9/3
Path: ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VK2IO<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 220309/0659Z 27451@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the days begin to lengthen the cold begins to strengthen
---
Thanks CT
Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting
Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple
of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry
an aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those char o's!
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot curry?
Frank: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
----
Thoughts
When I was a kid, a pencil was my computer. The point was PRINT;
the rubber was DELETE; and the sharpener was REFRESH.
-----
Paddy's struggling down the road with a wardrobe.
A friend says "Hey Paddy, why don't ya get your pal
Mick to help?"
Paddy says, "He's inside carrying the clothes"
----
Boat Names
----------
A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names. The following
names reeled in the honours:
Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist)
Sir Osis of the River
Aqua Seltzer
Out to Launch
Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer)
Meals on Reels
The Merri Yot
And from a landscape contractor Yard Buoy.
If Microsoft Ran MacDonalds
---------------------------
Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink
Market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage
Giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick
On them. Of course Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We
Might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) hi I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: okay here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.
Joe: uh I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: sorry they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don't the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: sure but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got
Integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going to drink
The Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.
Joe: ok fine I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: oh you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally
Inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!
Cashier: No watch. (Takes Big Mac dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two
Different inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous
Taste across all your foods.
Joe: avatar!
News
----
The good news? A New York man won the lottery. It pays out over a 20 year
Period. The bad news? The man's doctors give him about a year to live. The
Worse news? New York lottery officials won't lump sum the money.
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILISE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today' Jack says as he stepped out of the
shower 'honey what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord I pray for Wisdom to understand my man Love to forgive him
And Patience for his moods. Because Lord if I pray for Strength I'll beat
him to death.
AMEN
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------
sexual
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to
place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
Reveals her lack of underwear. Good God Woman! Why aren't
you wearing any skivvies?' Ole demanded. 'Well you don't give me
Enough housekeeping money to afford Any.' The Swede immediately
reaches into his pocket and says'For the sake of
Decency here's' a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches
into his pocket and says' For the sake of decency here's a $20. Go
and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she too is naked under it 'Jings Crivens an Help
ma boab Aggie! Whaur the the hell ur yer breeks?'
She too explains'You dinna gee-me enough money at be able at afford ony.
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says 'Well fur the love 'o
Goad here's a comb... Tidy yersell up a bit.
----
Best Wishes
Dave
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