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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.03.22 08:10l 224 Lines 12753 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28298_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 19/3
Path: ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 220319/0703Z 28298@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
--------
Thanks Colin.
In snowy weather, a wolfhound says to a dachshund, "My paws are frozen."
The reply? "You think you've got problems!"
---
A Benefit Of Being Older
------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant my elderly neighbour
And his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man we're both 90 years old" the husband said. "We may not have 45
Minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------
Wisdom
21 Rules for a Good Old Age
Some of us have reached our golden years, and some of us have not. But these suggestions should be read by everyone. They have been collected from many a senior, each with his or her own piece of advice. Some you know, some may surprise you, and some will remind you of what's important. So read well, share with your loved ones, and have a great day and a great life!
1. It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter or other relative with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
5. Don't stress over the little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbour and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."
7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
8. Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are.
9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You'll be surprised which old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.
11. Never use the phrase: "In my time". Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours.
14. Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
15. Even if you don't feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticise too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimise them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
18. If you've been offended by someone - forgive them. If you've offended someone - apologise. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
19. If you have a strong belief, savour it. But don't waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humour in your situation.
21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived so far. There's still much to be written, so get busy writing and don't waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!
AND REMEMBER: "Life is too short to drink bad wine."
--
Thought for the day
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
---
Lincoln
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Johnny at breakfast: "dad today is Lincoln's birthday. He was a great
Man wasn't he?"
Dad always eager to teach his young son a lesson: "Yes son indeed he
Was. And mind you" he added pompously"when Abraham Lincoln was your
age he was out splitting rails."
"Yes Dad I know" replied Johnny. "And when he was your age he was
President of the United States."
Exercise
--------
My husband goes to the health club five mornings each week gets on the
Stair stepper sets the timer and buries his nose in a book.
Recently he told me of a middle-aged woman he'd seen get on the stepper
Next to him. She was in amazing shape and seemed to run circles around
Everyone took very few breaks and rarely even broke a sweat.
"It's just not fair" he complained one day. "By the time I'm dragging
Myself off to the showers dripping in perspiration she's hopping back
Onto the stair stepper for yet another session as fresh as a daisy!"
One day he came home wearing a sheepish grin.
"Well" he says"I just found out that 'she' is identical twin sisters."
Gator
-----
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers
Ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his
Truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that
Her five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he
Found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to
Relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger
Moved in he tried to console the mother by saying"I think I can grab the
Boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may
Have to shoot the gator."
To which the lady replies "Good heavens no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted
You to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on
His back."
-------
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,
"and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive.
How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
"In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach
For a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive".
"He's Italian and he's a golfer, too?"
The doctor says, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!?
Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
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SEXUAL CONTENT -
Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of
Marriage. When asked what the problem was Jacqueline went into a
Passionate painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the
25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect lack
Of intimacy emptiness loneliness feeling unloved and unlovable an
Entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage. Finally after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time the therapist got up walked around the desk and after
asking Jacqueline to stand he embraced her put his hands on her breasts
And kissed her passionately as her husband Mark watched with a raised
eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up rearranged her clothing and quietly sat down
as though in a daze. The the therapist turned to Mark and said' This is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Mark
thought for a moment and replied' Well I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays but most Fridays I've got Lodge.
------
Best Wishes
Dave
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