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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.04.22 05:51l 266 Lines 8933 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29433_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 17/4
Path: ON0AR<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<N5MDT<GB7YEW
Sent: 220417/0540Z 29433@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When cats wash behind their ears it means rain
--------
Thanks CT
Street sign in USA 21th ST
--
OSCARS, 2021. One for each category :
President Macron says, “This AstraZeneca vaccine is giving me a
headache.”
A member of the House of Lords says,
“I have to claim expenses; its peer pressure!”
-----------
Thought for the day
· Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.
The other half will come out with a drinking problem. (I think we both
know whos in the second half, dont we?)
· I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune.
Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
· I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
· Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living
Room or The Bedroom
· This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was
obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and
told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
-------
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
------
Who is your real best friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
-------------------
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, s
how-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place
any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then
Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He
ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are
watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now
this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to
lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against
the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said
it was from Mom's play-centre, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys
inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
-----------------
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The bartender says,
'I'll serve
you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and s
ays: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does t
his taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'... Well, It's Not Unusual ... .'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy
says to
Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing
to look at either.
10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,
'Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17.. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
But why, they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer.'
18. A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, You've
seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with
his odd
diet, he suffered from bad breath...
This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them
laugh.
No pun in ten did!
-------------------
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was "fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is
so big she can only fasten eight."
----------
I recently changed my doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I've just reached 60).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 95?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and I don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not
doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, boating, sailing,
surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said
...
....
.....
......
.......
'Then, why the hell do you want to live to 95 ??
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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