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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 09.04.22 06:13l 263 Lines 7214 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29097_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 9/4
Path: ON0AR<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220409/0556Z 29097@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When April blows his horn 'Tis good for both hay and corn
---
Thanks CT
Did you know that replacing your potato crisps with grapefruit as a
snack, you can lose up to 908f what little joy you still have in your
life?
---
Thoughts -
Letterman on Golf.
Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
----
Thought for the day
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
-- Wittgenstein
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Paraprosdokian of the day
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
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Doctor
------
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audio tapes my
Co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has
Pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition she double-checked with
The doctor. After listening to the tape he shook his head.
"This man" he said translating for her "has fallen from a tree."
Military
--------
I knew I had been in the military too long when my five-year-old daughter
Sang her version of "Silent Night." It went like this: "Silent night holy
Night all is calm all is bright Round yon virgin mother and child Holy
Infantry tender and mild..."
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Walking into the bar Mike said to Charlie the bartender 'Pour me a stiff
One - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over' Mike replied 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really' said Charles 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said 'Come out from under the bed you little chicken.'
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Taste test
This is Why People Don't Trust Senior Citizens.
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there I went
Straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists Counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto
The counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said"Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled
It around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor
And began coughing.
When he finally was finished I looked him right in the eye asked"Now does that
Taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes
Yelled"HELL NO!!!"
So I said "Oh thank God! That's such a relief! My doctor told me to get a
Pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well I can never go back to that CVS but I really don't care though because they
Aren't very friendly there anyway!!!
----
"Rain is caused by big high-pressure areas cold fronts warm moist air And the first day of your vacation."
--------------------------
Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said
'2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid....wrong instructions. ...8 cups of
Water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top
Was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel .
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
Weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid
Phone!!!
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Slightly Sexual
--
Knowing of your deep love of the Arts I thought you would appreciate
This traditional poetry offering from one of the Northern tribes:-
Brewers Droop
Now here is a song what´s directed at all of you fellas that drink
You may think it´s all right to get drunk every night but this story should make you all think
I´ve lifted so many beer glasses my back is beginning to stoop
But what´s 10x worse I´ve fell prey to the curse of the disease known as Dread Brewers Droop
Its the droop the droop the dread brewers droop its the cause of much dissatisfaction
It makes young men old and their love life grow cold as they cant put their thoughts into action
I´ve drunk beer ´till it comes out me earoles and now my one awful regret is
That once it was hard as a grenadier guard but now its just like a wet lettuce
I´ve tried many ways to arouse it to coax it to lift up its head
But it hangs like an old strangled ferret that someone has nailed to a shed
I´ve sprayed it with starch & with lacquer I´ve screamed and raged and blasphemed
And once in a tantrum I sang National Anthem but it wouldn´t stand up for the Queen
In desperation I´ve tried levitation to see if the bugger would rise
Though I set it on fire it won´t go no higher it just brings the tears to me eyes
Last night I took off my trousers and as I slipped into the bed
I could see the wife wearing black armbands as a sign of respect for the dead
You´ve heard my sad tale and its over how my love life´s been blighted by booze
Once I was proud it reached up to my hat but now it just points to me shoes.
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My wife and I went to the Lancashire Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said''THIS BULL
MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said'That's more than twice a week! You
could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital
letters'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said 'That's
once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually
make a full recovery.
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle and then she asked if I'd ever had a
Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome' she said.
I said' No' - excitedly. We drank a bit more then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum you still awake?'
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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