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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 10.04.22 05:55l 270 Lines 7769 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29142_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 10/4/
Path: ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PE1RRR<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 220410/0545Z 29142@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the night goes to bed with a fever, it will awake with a wet head
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Thanks CT
A sock, talking to other socks at the washing machine, says, "We're
going in lads....and I won't lie to you; some of us won't be coming
back!"
----
Teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.
Susie says, "We need a computer".
Wendy says. "We need a car".
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Pakistani boyfriend and my
Dad said 'That's all we bloody need!"
----
Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!
----
Two elderly radio hams had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures on the ham bands. Lately, their activities
have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know
we've been friends for a long time.....but I just
can't think of your name and your call.! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember them. Please tell me what they are."
His friend glared at him. For at least three minutes
he just stared and glared at the gray haired old man..
Finally he said,
"How soon do you need to know?
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In evidence the bankruptcy court heard that the enterprise in question had
been forced to cease its operations due to a persistent difficulty with cash
flow, and because of pressure to meet the demands of its creditors seeking
payment for goods supplied and services rendered. The owner of the
business had worked for many years with a local firm of arboreal specialists
and tree surgeons before setting up in business for himself. Despite the
results indicated by the market research which he had undertaken there
was not enough business in the locality for more than one firm, and the
public had retained their loyalty to the older one.
"It may have been unwise", said the presiding Judge, "For this man to
branch out on his own."
*****************************
The Honolulu Advertiser has carried a legal notice advising the public of
a change of name.
"From Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Olanithenoheno Kam Phagmans
to
Waiaulia Alohi anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanithenoheno Kam."
That"s that cleared up.
*****************************
From the London Times May 2004:
"In little more than a year"s time Iraq will be enjoying an unprecedented
boom and be witness to a degree of political pluralism unknown in the
Middle East."
*****************************
The recent ruling that prisoners be allowed to vote in the UK could have
far-reaching consequences. An additional 50,000 will be allowed to vote.
The late Robin Cook took a close look at the results of the 2005 General
Election and taking New Labour"s 60 seat majority, looked at the bottom
30 Labour MPs in terms of their majorities. He found that 15,000 votes
going to different party, or not coming out at all, would have wiped out
Mr Blair"s overall majority.
*****************************
The Police Service for Northern Ireland overtime last year
came to £149 million. Is that why the term "The Bill" is used.
*****************************
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
Married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to
all. One
Afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint
Sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he
Sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl
Sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
Things, a condom. When she returned with tea and scones, they
began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
Strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
Resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
Darlinghurst a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
Prevent the spread of disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all
Winter."
--------------
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this
and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
----------
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down
and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she
has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make
a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
----------
Slightly sexual
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!
---
Thought for the day
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
-----
Will You Live to see 90?
Here's something to think about........
I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 72).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or
hard liquor?
'Oh not much drink these days and I don't smoke' I replied.
'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and
barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat
is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
surfing, hiking, or cycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want
to live to 90?
----
Best Wishes
Dave
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