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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.04.22 06:00l 436 Lines 10308 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29231_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 12/4
Path: ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 220412/0536Z 29231@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Every cloud has a silver lining.
---
Thanks CT
I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry, the Dr says I'll be
fine. But I should warn you that the DYSON BALL CLEANER has a very
misleading name.
---
Thoughts -
Letterman on Golf.
Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.
#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
----
International Imitation Hemingway Competition
1/ We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there
was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song
at a French restaurant. [...]
--------
Is this in our 'not too distant' future?
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir - it's Google Pizza.
I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.
No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual - you know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered
an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and
meat balls on a thick crust.
OK - that's what I want .
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes
and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?
What? I detest vegetables.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know?
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We
have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my
cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our
database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network,
4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an
undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping
you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp
and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where
there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!
I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago!
------
TEL AVIV, Israel -
The Israelis are developing an airport security device
that eliminates privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you
but, will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone,
with none of this crap about racial profiling.
It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers,
El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London .
Shalom
-------
A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband and she
says, "I love you."
He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."
-----------
My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was
about 7."
David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we
won the league."
Mark Viduka
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this
level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's
the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham.
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in
getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall.
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault,
but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my
life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe
we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're
knocked out."
Peter Shilton.
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of
the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore.
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it
flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first
minute at
Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I
remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi.
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the
match."
Ian Wright.
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu.
" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even
though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate.
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce.
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it
was my right."
Lee Hendrie.
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign
country."
Ian Rush.
" Germany are a very difficult team to play... they had 11
internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then
obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison.
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't
know into what religion yet."
David Beckham.
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will
be more European."
Phil Neville.
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas.
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always
done my best."
Alan Shearer.
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty
crowd."
Johnny Giles.
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry.
---------
Cultural Differences....explained:
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South
Pacific, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands
in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage à trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman
is cooking and cleaning for them.
* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them
to the British woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island..
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant,
and laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply more
employees for their stores.
* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are
satisfied because the British are not having any fun..
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do
anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship
with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring
a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere So she can get her
nails done and go shopping.
-------
Taxes
A citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except that a
Fine is generally much lighter.
Cat Phrase: Translation
-----------------------
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much
faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.
Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
Why do I have to press ONE for English when you're just gonna transfer
me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.
Good News/Bad News
------------------
"I have good news and bad news," the defence lawyer told his client. "First
the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match
with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is
quite low."
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Best Wishes
Dave
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