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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.04.22 06:10l 339 Lines 10705 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29278_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 13/4
Path: ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<GB7YEW
Sent: 220413/0559Z 29278@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Sweet April showers do Spring May flowers
--
Thanks IR
A Professors Advice.
Addressing a bunch of sleepy faces, the professor was telling his early morning class, “Ive found the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds, a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower, then I feel rosy all over”.
A sleepy voice from the back of the room said “Tell us more about Rosie”.
--
Thoughts -
Letterman on Golf.
Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.
#02... You don't have to cuddle your partner when you're finished.
--------
International Imitation Hemingway Competition
2/ I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched
her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You
ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like
a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we
finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
-------
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out
for a pint of milk & never came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using
that powdered stuff."
==========
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For
Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil
that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make
ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to
milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower
though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light
to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until
noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been
on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's
bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last
year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's
a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in
little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the
roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and
Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's
got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's
6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya
know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the
other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
-----
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents
began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what
a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name
-- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and
asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and
see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he
has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to
come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
---
Puns for those with a higher IQ
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
--------
Obituaries
----------
The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that
people die in alphabetical order.
---
IRISH HUMOUR
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
---------------
Funerals
--------
One of the students in my college seminar could not take his final exam
because of a funeral, so I told him he could make it up the following week.
The following week rolled around and he said he couldn't take it then due
to another funeral.
"Well, all right," I said, "but you'll *have* to take the test next week. I
can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take it next week for sure," he replied, "unless someone else dies."
Well, that raised the red flag of my suspicion even higher. "How can so
many people you know pass away in just three weeks?"
"Oh, I don't know any of these people," he answered, "but I'm the only
gravedigger in town."
Hand Dryers
-----------
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his
church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in
there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
Foods
-----
A famous explorer was asked to lecture at a prestigious university about
his well-known travels throughout Africa.
"Can you imagine," he began, "a people so primitive that they love to eat
the embryo of certain birds and slices of meat ripped from the belly of
certain animals? Then they grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn
it over a fire, and smear it with a greasy mess they've concocted out of
the mammary secretions of yet another animal."
The students looked startled and some even a bit queasy at such barbarism.
The explorer then added, "What I've been describing, of course, is a
breakfast of eggs, bacon, and buttered toast. Now, about Africa...."
Oneliners
---------
There is something wrong if you're always right.
A pessimist mourns the future.
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman
makes a fool of him in twenty minutes." --Robert Frost
People complain most about things over which they have no control.
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
Calories are delicious.
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
If you can't see my mirrors, it means I've hit another cyclist.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
"Captain, I cannot believe my ears!" - Spock
Are the noises in my head bothering you?
Most families have heirlooms, but my family has heirloons.
Be careful when playing under the anvil tree!
Be different: conform.
New Domain Names
----------------
10. ".trek" Contains audio files of William Shatner.
9. ".bill" Microsoft has bought this company.
8. ".love" For people who would rather cuddle.
7. ".slow" Based in a distant country with no T3 lines.
6. ".geek" Assumes you know what all the acronyms mean.
5. ".404" We stopped maintaining our servers in 1996.
4. ".y2k" Contains theories about the end of the world.
3. ".burn" Huge multimedia files will crash your computer.
2. ".duh" Explains, in detail, stuff you already know.
1. .spam Sites which offer to sell you everything you don't want.
---------
Sexual content
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up..
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said,
Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to
tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large
male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at
home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit
he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite
hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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